1
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:10,360
Oh, what the actual fuck? Alison!

2
00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:16,120
What is this here?
What is this here, please?

3
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:18,120
Oh, I... I thought it was nice.

4
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,560
Right. So it's not a dig?
How is that a dig?

5
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,240
A dig at me, at my choices.

6
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:25,080
Is it?

7
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,960
Is that what it is, Alison?
"Life is for living."

8
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,400
Funny that, isn't it?
A bit of a coincidence.

9
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,000
Are they new cushions?
Is that a throw?

10
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:37,840
What? I'm just trying
to make it nice.

11
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:41,320
Oh, my God! I see what this is.
This is a trap.

12
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,640
You're just trying to lure me
into the living room

13
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,480
so I get all comfy and...

14
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,880
Nicky! Alison is trying to trap us.

15
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,680
She's, quote,
"made the living room all nice."

16
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:54,280
What?
I had some Habitat vouchers, I...

17
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:55,840
What did you think would happen?

18
00:00:55,880 --> 00:01:00,440
That we would just sit down watching
Gogglebox together, eating Maltesers?

19
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,960
I don't even like Maltesers.
Doesn't even like Maltesers.

20
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,520
Look, I just get tired
of seeing backs -

21
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:09,480
stood in doorways, looking at backs.

22
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:13,000
All I see is backs. Backs.

23
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:16,600
Yeah, cos our fronts are engaged
in something worthwhile.

24
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,120
Grinding for items.
No, not just grinding for items.

25
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,600
Playing, connecting, myth-making.

26
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,400
Also grinding for items.

27
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:26,080
All right. Forget it then.
Don't sit out here.

28
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,920
Oh, don't worry. We won't.
Where are we going?

29
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,840
Back to our rooms.

30
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:45,360
Do you know, we've spent 34 hours
on blimp travel?

31
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,600
What are you talking about?
I'm just looking at our build stats.

32
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:52,200
That's not us doing missions.
That's just us commuting from one place to another.

33
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:56,320
Isn't that insane?
No. It's not insane.

34
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,920
Actually, it's a very fucking large
kingdom.

35
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,520
I'm going to look up how
long it took Paul McCartney Yeah, OK.

36
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,080
Maybe don't do that, Nicky.

37
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,760
40 minutes. Paul McCartney wrote
Hey Jude in 40 minutes

38
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,720
and we've spent 34 hours
on blimp travel.

39
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,560
Had a lot of fun on those blimp
rides, though - a lot of memories.

40
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,240
Daddy, will you come and bake
Later, baby-cakes.

41
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:22,320
51 times.
You could write Hey Jude 51 times

42
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,240
in the time we've spent in blimps.

43
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,960
What's everyone else doing
that's so worthwhile?

44
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,440
What, they're all just sat around
writing brilliant novels and fucking?

45
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,840
No, they're reading magazines and
finding new ways to hate themselves.

46
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:37,240
It's eyebrows now.
It used to be no-one wanted eyebrows.

47
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,480
All of a sudden,
everyone wants massive eyebrows.

48
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:43,280
At least we're doing something.
We're connected.

49
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,120
Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg.
Don't try to make this meaningful.

50
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:50,040
It's fine.
It's over for us and that's fine.

51
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,760
OK, he's coming on. What do you want
Yeah - chairs.

52
00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:00,240
Hello? Hello? Is there anyone there?

53
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,040
Aloha!

54
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,760
Hello!
Makes you feel a bit bad.

55
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:09,360
Look at him.
OK, Meg - remember the raid?

56
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,800
His primary weapon was a baguette.
It was actually a brioche.

57
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:16,840
God! I just wish
he wasn't so fucking stupid.

58
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,360
Whee!

59
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:22,160
Meg, if you banged him, you'd
basically be exploiting a cretin.

60
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,120
You could get done for exploiting
I know that, Nicky.

61
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,360
And yet,
as my nubbin stirs in my pants,

62
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:31,600
I cannot, hand on heart,
entirely rule it out.

63
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:33,760
Whee!
PROPELLER WHIRRS

64
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,480
Oh, no! I've done it again.

65
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:49,240
Meg, in the game, right,
would you be interested, right,

66
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,200
in the game,

67
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:52,600
in...in marrying me?

68
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,880
Right? But in the game.

69
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,880
Sorry. What the fuck are these words
that are coming out of your mouth?

70
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,960
Cos all I'm hearing is, like,
dolphin sounds.

71
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,520
Like...
CLICKING AND SQUEAKING

72
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:08,360
No, because I looked into it and you
get 15% more experience points if you're married to someone.

73
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,520
I don't give a shit about XP points.

74
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,280
From a character point of view,
why would Greta get married?

75
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,920
She's notoriously promiscuous.
Well, she's a slag.

76
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,960
Not a slag, Nicky.
She's just open to experiences.

77
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,960
She's pan, she's bi.

78
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,560
One day it's orcs,
the next day it's vampire priests.

79
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,880
She's a sexual conundrum.

80
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:28,960
If she got some easy XP,
she could level up.

81
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,320
You know, give her that final push
into the citadel,

82
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,520
maybe even defeat the Hive Mother.

83
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,600
Well, yes, obviously it would be nice
to defeat the Hive Mother.

84
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,840
She brought ruin to that kingdom.

85
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:44,360
She drove the Cat Folk of Calduggan
into the sea, Nicky. In the sea.

86
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,200
They can't swim. They're cats.

87
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,440
And you said yourself, Meg,
what else is there?

88
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,520
Sitting in Alison's death pit
on a comfy cushion?

89
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,760
If we're going to do this,
we might as well commit.

90
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,840
All right, fine, whatever.
Consider yourself engaged.

91
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,400
Oh, my God.
SHE RETCHES

92
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:04,080
I know.
HE RETCHES

93
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:07,040
You're engaged?
In the game.

94
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,400
It's a game!
We're engaged in a game.

95
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,840
You're getting married
in Kingdom Scrolls? It's just for the XP points.

96
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,320
It's basically a visa wedding.
It's like - I don't know.

97
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:19,000
Some young hot Syrian refugee
being forced into marrying

98
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,320
this old, fat horrible van driver
from Barnsley

99
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,400
that she finds disgusting.

100
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,600
It's not that
but it is something similar.

101
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,760
And what about the man
from your work, Meg?

102
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,400
The man you both murdered?
We're hiding from him.

103
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,040
Yeah, every time he comes online
we turn into chairs.

104
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,520
OK, I'm just going to have to hit
pause for a second.

105
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,360
God, I fucking hate you
when you hit pause.

106
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,200
The next time
you get a weepie on rum

107
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,520
and you say to me, "Alison,
why do you always have a boyfriend?"

108
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,040
I'm going to say, "Because
I don't turn into a chair every time they come into a room."

109
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,480
Forget Russell!

110
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,680
Let's all just forget about Russell.

111
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,120
And you don't think
it's going to make things weird between the two of you?

112
00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,080
OK, Alison.

113
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,560
Would it make things weird
if I bought a frying pan?

114
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:04,880
Oh, yeah! Alison,

115
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,160
would it make things weird
if Meg bought a frying pan?

116
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:11,720
This isn't the same as buying
This is exactly the Just like buying a fryingpan.

117
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,160
OK, to be honest,
it's quite an odd comparison,

118
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,320
so, in a way,
it's already gone a bit weird.

119
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,760
Alison, sh!

120
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,560
Let me just put this to bed for you,
OK?

121
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,680
Two nerds in a house, Meg and me.

122
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:25,240
Now, the classic series arc
for a pair of characters like us

123
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,000
is that we get together -
well, that ain't my arc, baby.

124
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,080
No, me, neither. In fact,
I'm breaking out of my little box,

125
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,160
my little box set, and I'm
fucking off to some other show.

126
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,440
Yeah, me too.
I'm out the door.

127
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,240
Oh, no! Now you're in the show
on your own, Alison.

128
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:42,600
I hope
you don't die alone in your own show

129
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:44,720
on your own, Alison.

130
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,240
Let's go, fiance.
THEY RETCH

131
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:04,080
Wow, look at this place. It must be
a furniture warehouse of some kind.

132
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,160
God, there's some
really nice pieces.

133
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,840
So where are they then,
these new friends of yours?

134
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,800
Oh, no, it keeps doing this.
I find them on the map

135
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,840
and when I get there,
it's just chairs.

136
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,000
I wonder why there's
so much furniture in this game?

137
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,640
Marriage, dude? That's heavy.

138
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,120
It would be if I had any feelings
for Meg but I don't, so it isn't.

139
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:27,280
I just feel dead from the waist down
whenever I think about her.

140
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,840
In fact, if I trigger
the paralysis emote,

141
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,000
this is me thinking about Meg.

142
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,960
Cos me and my wife,
we're so hot for each other.

143
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,880
Date night once a month.
Make a big effort.

144
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,800
This month I got us two tickets
for a band we're both really into.

145
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,560
Holy fuck, it's this Thursday.

146
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:46,200
HE SIGHS
How is that this Thursday?

147
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,920
Dinner and a band straight after.
I have a quest line to finish

148
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,680
and instead I'm going to be
in a room, in a sweater, watching a band.

149
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,560
Fuck my life!

150
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,080
Hey, sweetie. Dinner smells amazing.

151
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,720
Here comes the bride, motherfuckers!

152
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,520
Sorry I'm late.
I had a bachelorette party

153
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,120
with the boys from the US server.

154
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,800
Got drunk and killed a villager.

155
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,920
Oh, Satan's Donut said
he's sorry he can't make it.

156
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,080
He's got a shift at the carpet shop.

157
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,440
He sent a calf. Oh, that's nice.

158
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,880
MOOING
Right, then.

159
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,400
Guess we should just do it, then.

160
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,280
We're gathered here today
to celebrate the union

161
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,120
of Greta Longstocking
and Mark The Unwavering.

162
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,600
You know this is
actually kind of adorable? How is this adorable, Alison?

163
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,480
I'm being trafficked.

164
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:37,080
The system is coercing me
into marrying someone

165
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,520
that makes me physically...

166
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:42,840
Ergh.
Huerrr.

167
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,480
THEY CONTINUE RETCHING

168
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,200
Who's this trying to join the chat?

169
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,480
Hello? Can anyone hear me? Meg?

170
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:53,200
Surprise!

171
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:57,280
You invited my fucking mum?
I thought it would be nice.

172
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,240
Hello? Meg?

173
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,280
Anyway, why would it be weird?
It's just like buying a frying pan.

174
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,080
I'm not sure my thing's connected.

175
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,680
Mum, I'm going to have to hex you
down to the Dark Circle

176
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,840
because I just can't even deal.

177
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,760
Oh! What's happening?

178
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:12,960
Meg!

179
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,360
Did you just hex your mum?

180
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,880
Dude, you just banished her
to the Dark Circle. That's cold.

181
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,480
Let's just get this over with.

182
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,400
You may now kiss the bride.

183
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,560
Oh, OK. I'll do that, then, shall I?

184
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,960
Yeah, right,
because we're so in love.

185
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,440
Kissy-kissy.
SHE RETCHES

186
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,000
I concur.

187
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,280
THEY CONTINUE RETCHING

188
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:38,400
CALF MOOS

189
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,520
PIG SQUEALS

190
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,880
TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

191
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,280
God, this is so great.

192
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,840
15%.
It's such an under-appreciated buff.

193
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,160
Seriously,
everyone should get married.

194
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,880
All those losers out there,
questing solo, like this guy.

195
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,480
Oi! Get a life, you wanker.
Yeah, you wifeless wanker!

196
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:08,880
So, I had an idea.

197
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:12,000
If we wash our faces
and brush our teeth about 7pm,

198
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,480
then it's out of the way,

199
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,800
then we can stay up till 1, 2am
just looting, looting, looting.

200
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,320
Nicky, I am not brushing my teeth
at 7pm.

201
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,760
Good.

202
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,720
My health is lower
than a camel's ball sack.

203
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:32,000
No, like, actual rations. I got you
actual rations from the shop.

204
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,600
It's a lasagne.

205
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:37,000
Yeah.

206
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:41,080
From the shops?
With some garlic bread.

207
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,960
It came in a deal.

208
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,160
Right.

209
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,720
I was buying one for myself
anyway.

210
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,480
I thought I'd get a bigger one
that feeds us both

211
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,360
and we wouldn't have to stop
playing.

212
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:58,160
Did you...?

213
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:00,920
Did you get me a pudding?

214
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,800
God, no! No puddings.
Absolutely zero puddings.

215
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,800
Oh! I thought you'd gone all weird
for a second.

216
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:12,360
I mean, what kind of pervert
goes around buying puddings?

217
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,360
Hey, Meg. Quick question about
Kingdom Scrolls.

218
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,760
Are you hiding from me?
In the game.

219
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,320
Do you and your friends hide from me
by turning into chairs?

220
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,760
I looked it up online
and there's a magic pebble that lets you turn into furniture.

221
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,520
Right. Yes, we are doing that.

222
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,400
OK. Can I just ask why?

223
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,440
Is it because...?

224
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,760
Is it because I'm annoying?

225
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,280
Yeah. It is because of that, yeah.

226
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,360
Oh, OK! No, great.

227
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,280
That's what Mum said.

228
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,480
I'm still going to play it, though.

229
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,840
Because it's... It's fun

230
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,640
and last night I went down
to the harbour

231
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,400
and threw a deer into the water
and I shot fireworks at it

232
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,920
and it was...

233
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:09,240
It was... Phhhwwrrr!
Yeah, we used to do that.

234
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,200
Me and Nicky.
We once spent an entire evening

235
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:16,160
trying to ride a stallion
up to the top, into the volcano.

236
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,640
Molten lava kept burning its hooves.

237
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:21,800
It was just like, "No! No!!

238
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,400
"Whaaa! My hooves are on fire!

239
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,920
"Whaa! Whaaa! Brr!"

240
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,200
We just kept riding him on up there.

241
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:36,880
Now we just grind because
we are grinding towards the endgame.

242
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:42,200
Anyway, I'm going to go fire
Roman candles at some elks.

243
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,920
'Right, the rats have been slain.
Let's away, fair maiden.

244
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,600
'Wife.'

245
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,680
Actually, Russell...
'Shall we? Hello?'

246
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,480
THUNDER RUMBLES

247
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,440
TOOTH-BRUSHING NOISES

248
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,320
You're brushing your teeth?
The One Show hasn't finished

249
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,800
and you're brushing your teeth?
Yep.

250
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,640
No longer the tyranny
of late-night ablutions for me.

251
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,320
Log on, find the items,
acquire the items,

252
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,600
equip the items, upgrade the items,
outgrow the items,

253
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:15,640
trade the items.

254
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:19,120
Bed, work, home and play.

255
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:20,760
And repeat.

256
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,160
Tremendous.

257
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,400
Where's Meg?

258
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,520
Alison!

259
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:35,600
RAIN POURING, RINGING TONE

260
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:40,320
'This is Meg. I probably don't feel
like talking right now.' BLEEP

261
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:44,760
Hey, Meg. It's Nicky,
your significant other.

262
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,040
Not to be a nag
but when are you likely to be home?

263
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,520
Also, your lasagne's
quite fucking cold. OK, bye.

264
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,840
BIRDSONG

265
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,040
A-ha! The elusive wife returns.

266
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:12,240
Nicky, are you feeling OK?
Yeah. I'm great, thanks.

267
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,840
Just letting off some steam.

268
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:21,520
I was just feeling
a bit het up for some reason,

269
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,040
so I thought I'd tidy up the field,
have a bit of a clear-out.

270
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,320
Mm.

271
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:33,040
Where have you been?
Oh, I just went to the pub with some of the guys from work.

272
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,080
That's very interesting -
"some of the guys". Nice and vague.

273
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,920
Oh, sweet baby Mario. Not Calf.

274
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:43,120
PLAINTIVE CRY
Oh!

275
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,240
Ahem. Whoo!

276
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:46,800
Whoops.

277
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:52,640
Anyway, hubby, I might just turn in.
Okey-dokey.

278
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,280
I'm going to finish up here.

279
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:58,040
Only a couple more and I'll unlock
the Cow Slayer achievement.

280
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,400
SHE SIGHS

281
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,840
Here comes a dopamine rush.

282
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,360
Then it's gone.

283
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,360
KNOCKING

284
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:19,800
Meg, I made you some Cup-a-Soup
to say sorry for slaying the calf.

285
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,760
Erm, it's two o'clock
in the morning, Nicky.

286
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:24,880
I don't really want any soup. Thanks.

287
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:28,040
OK. I'll just flush it down the
fucking toilet then, shall I? Night.

288
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,200
KNOCKING
Meg? Me again.

289
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,880
Did you smear my Oral-B Pro Expert
all over the mirror?

290
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,520
Yeah. Yeah, I did do that.

291
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,920
But I was just a bit angry
because you killed the baby cow.

292
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:55,160
But that was before
you made me the soup to say sorry.

293
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,240
Crikey. Talk about crossed wires.

294
00:15:58,280 --> 00:15:59,720
Oh, God! I know.

295
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,960
We should see a bloody marriage
guidance counsellor or something.

296
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,080
Ha!

297
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,080
Ha.

298
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,720
So should I make you some more soup
Got it.

299
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,560
Night.

300
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,000
So great that everything's cool
between the two of you.

301
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,960
I'd hate to feel like the third
It's all totally cool.

302
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:35,200
Ooh! I might throw some gold at
this dancing gentleman from Mexico.

303
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,600
That's from the joint account,
Great.

304
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,480
I might go to the tavern.
Find a wench and then fuck it.

305
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,320
Fine by me. Don't get groin rot.

306
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,360
Cute.

307
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,560
Date night tonight, which is going
to be pretty fucking great

308
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,120
because I ain't going.

309
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,200
Yep. Pulled a sickie.

310
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,840
I'd better just stay in and play
Kingdom Scrolls in my onesie.

311
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,160
Good. It's important you still have
Completely agree.

312
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,560
More gold! Dance, senor, dance.

313
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:05,760
It's actually worked out perfectly
because there's this guy she's always talking about - Wade.

314
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,560
So I palmed her off onto him.
Oh, right.

315
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:11,520
Sucker! I was all like,
"So sorry I can't make it.

316
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,920
"Have a great night with Wade. Take
50 bucks and get your hair done."

317
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,840
And she looked great. And she was
like, "Don't wait up, baby."

318
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,400
And I was like, "OK, I won't."

319
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,200
Then boom!
The Cat Man is back in town.

320
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,280
And you're not, like, jealous?

321
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:30,520
Why would I be jealous?
They have to go and see a band.

322
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:34,120
They have to stand up on their feet
in a room for two hours

323
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,240
and for what?

324
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,240
To hear some songs.

325
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,840
So worth it!
"Please play some more songs!"

326
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,760
OK, Russell's coming.
We need to hide.

327
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,440
Actually, Nicky,
we don't need to hide any more.

328
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:50,120
There's something we should tell you.
We just got married!

329
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,400
What's he talking about?
They relaxed the laws on bigamy.

330
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,760
It's like the Hive Mother's one piece
of progressive legislation.

331
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,600
So you just went out
and married someone else, did you?

332
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,080
Nicky! You knew the deal
when you shacked up with Greta.

333
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:05,080
You can't cage the beast.
She's a libidinous animal.

334
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,000
Yeah, I know, but...

335
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:12,200
Him? He's a newb. I bet he's playing
with his mouth open.

336
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,560
I mean, it is slightly ajar.

337
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,120
No. It's cool.

338
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:23,000
Meg marries Russell and they both
live happily ever after.

339
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,560
Ooh. I wonder what's at the bottom
of this ravine.

340
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,760
Ah. Nothing.

341
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:00,800
Meg! What are you doing, Meg?

342
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:05,840
Erm... Oh, I'm just putting bits
into Nicky's no-bits orange juice.

343
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,320
That's it. Nicky!

344
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,200
Nicky, take the tampons out of
your ears. I know you can hear me.

345
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,440
Oh, hey, Alison. What's up?
You two - sit.

346
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:19,040
This whole marriage thing -
you are messing with forces beyond your control.

347
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,800
You're emotional cripples
and you're out of your depth.

348
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,280
You're like apes in a science lab
trying to make a chemical compound.

349
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,120
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah! This in here.

350
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,480
Ay-ooh-ah-ooh-ha. This in here.

351
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,760
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah!
I dropped a test tube.

352
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,600
Trainers in the fridge,
tampons in ears.

353
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,840
Somebody filled the toilet cistern
with milk and cornflakes.

354
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,760
It is insane
and I don't know what it is

355
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,520
but I just think that maybe
you're in love with each other.

356
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,640
Tch!

357
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,840
OK, Alison.

358
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,240
You've gone psychotic.

359
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,800
Three options, Alison.
One, you shut up forever.

360
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,720
Two, you need to be sectioned,
or three, we just kill you.

361
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:57,040
Yeah - which is it going to be,
I mean it. This ends now.

362
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,480
Either get a divorce or go and fuck

363
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:00,800
or move out of my flat.

364
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,040
Fine. Yeah. Let's just go and do it.
What?

365
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,120
Yeah! Yeah! Let's fuck,
if that's what she wants.

366
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:11,880
Erm...

367
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:22,200
Right, then.

368
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,480
Mm-hm.

369
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,840
Happy now, Alison?

370
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,400
We're doing it!
We're fucking each other.

371
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,560
Is this what you wanted, Alison?
And there's nothing - no feelings.

372
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,480
No feelings whatsoever, Alison.

373
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,120
Oh, what, do you want
the reverse cowgirl? Yeah?

374
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,680
I'll take her from behind
then, shall I, Alison?

375
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,480
Is she still there, Meg?

376
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,560
Yeah. Yeah, just keep going.

377
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,920
Er!

378
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,080
I'm so utterly turned on,
I've just blown my beans inside you.

379
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:21,280
Er, yeah. I too have just orgasmed,

380
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:25,160
sending hot waves of ecstasy
rippling through my body.

381
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:31,040
Totally, totally, totally.

382
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,920
Well, I think we've proved
our point.

383
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,280
We've successfully subverted
our series arc.

384
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:39,960
Fuck that shit.

385
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,320
Oh, btw - you did release your mum
from the Dark Circle, didn't you?

386
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:45,960
Oh, fuck!

387
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,960
SCREAMING

388
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:53,440
Help me! Help me!

389
00:21:53,490 --> 00:21:58,040
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